Tuesday, August 08, 2006

The next great iPod vibrator?

It's not the Audi-Oh. It's not the iBuzz. And I'm afraid it's probably not the spanking new Ohmibod (that's it on the left), either, though this new version of a vibrator that plugs into your iPod and buzzes along with the beats and swoops and clicks of whatever music is playing on your 'Pod is, to be sure, a keen and relatively pretty addition to the array.

But as any woman worth her Hitachi Magic Wand will tell you, long skinny hard-plastic vibes are so very 1987. So very tacky cheapy Doc Johnson $8.95 plain and uninventive and not really the thing that is most needed. It's a global tragedy, is what it is.

I am not complaining too loudly. I am not here to discourage any curious gadgetheaded seeker of vibratory joys his or her divine buzzy explorations. But much as I'd like to gush over the Ohmibod, it's basically just a hard skinny plastic vibe, which, when it comes to organic and sensual vibe design, remains the lowest tier on the evolutionary sex-toy ladder. I'm just sayin'.

So, the world waits. Your girlfriend waits. We all wait for an iPod vibrator attachment that is at once sensual and functional and a completely appropriate match for the greatest fetish object of this decade. Perhaps it will look something like the gorgeous Lelo Lily. Perhaps it will have multiple attachments like the intense, solid-metal series from Elemental Pleasures. Perhaps it will be gold-plated and come with multiple inlaid gemstones and cost more than your Lexus payment. One thing we do know is that it will surely make the conservative right recoil in abject horror even as they don't understand what the hell it's for.

Which, as any sexually attuned gadgethead knows, is about as good as it gets.

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